The First Page 6

  Maybe the breather would take a vacation, fly down to Florida, go on a tour of America's haunted houses or something. A window of opportunity would open, another mark would want to be shown around. All Reynolds had to do was keep the old confidence, comb the hair over his bald spot, and act like a generous uncle who wanted to make someone's American dream come true, and maybe soon this house would be somebody else's problem.

  She'd said he looked a doomed puppy dog. What an insult. The living had absolutely no sensitivity. Well, at least he didn't lurk in dark basements hoping to catch a glimpse of the other side.

  Reynolds tried on a glib smile. His "closer face." A good salesman didn't stay down for long. He whistled as he drifted through the wall and under the moonlight in search of buyers.

  A sucker was born every minute, he reminded himself. And just as many suckers died.

  ###

  HEAL THYSELF

  Jeffrey Jackson peeked over the top of the magazine. His eyes went to the clock on the wall. Had it really been only four minutes since he'd last looked?

  His hands shook, so he put the magazine aside before the pages started flapping. Every session left him calm for a day or two, fists unclenched, the red behind his eyelids dulled to brown. But always the raging night crawled out on its belly, fingers tickled his brain, his cabbies got radio messages from Mars, the clowns bit him in his sleep. Those last days leading up to the next session were a cold turkey of the soul.

  Jackson wondered if what he'd read were true, that patients became more addicted to therapy than they ever could to drugs. He gripped the arms of the waiting room chair, palms slick on the vinyl. He tried one of the relaxation techniques that Dr. Edelhart had taught him. That wallpaper pattern, reproduced a thousand times in the expanse of the room. If Jackson crossed his eyes slightly...

  No good. He settled on watching the receptionist, who pretended to be busy with paperwork. She was nearly pretty, but Jackson no longer had much interest in the opposite sex. Or any sex, for that matter.

  He started from his chair when the buzzer rang. The receptionist gave him a two o'clock smile and said, "Dr. Edelhart will see you now."

  Why did the doctor never have an appointment before Jackson's? If only Jackson could see another patient walk out of Dr. Edelhart's office, face rosy with beatitude. Perhaps that would give Jackson hope of being healed. He crossed the room and, as always, reached the door just as it swung open.

  Dr. Edelhart smiled broadly, teeth bright against his wide dark face. He extended his hand. Jackson wiped his own hand on his pants leg and shook Edelhart's. Prelude to The Ritual.

  "How are you, Jeffrey?" The same question as always.

  You know damned good and well how I am, Doc. You've shrunk my brain and cracked open my past and put every little memory under your magnifying glass. Walked me back to my childhood. Into the womb, even. And beyond.

  Jackson blinked, barely able to meet the taller man's eyes. "I...I'm doing fine."

  He brushed past the doctor, headed for the security of the familiar stuffed chair. Edelhart didn't believe in the couch. He was too post-Freudian for that. Edelhart was of the New High Church, a dash of Jung, a pinch of Skinner, and equal portions of new age-right action-spirit releasement-astral projection-veda dharmic-divine starpath to inner beingness. Add water and stir.

  Edelhart's mental porridge cost $75 an hour, and Jackson considered it a bargain. He settled in the chair as Edelhart closed the door and adjusted the window shades. Since the office was on the seventh floor, the traffic sounds below were muted. Jackson was almost able to forget his fear of cars.

  Jackson closed his eyes. Edelhart's chair squeaked behind his polished mahogany desk. The room had an aroma of carpet cleaner and sweat. Or maybe Jackson was smelling his own panic. He tried to breath deeply and evenly, but he was too aware of his racing heartbeat.

  "So, where were we, Jeffrey?" The doctor's voice was deep. Even this familiar question took on music, a sonorous bass.

  "We were..." Jackson swallowed. "Going back."

  Jackson didn't have to look to visualize the doctor's head gravely nodding. "Ah, yes," said Edelhart. The shuffling of papers, a quick perusal of notes, Jackson's round peg of a head being fitted into this square hole and that triangular niche.

  "So you've accepted that present life conflicts and traumas can have their roots in past lifetimes?"

  "Of course, Doctor. Especially that one."

  "We each have at least one bad former life, Jeffrey. Otherwise, there would be no reason to live again. Nothing to resolve."

  Jackson almost wanted to ask which of the doctor's past lives were the most haunting. But of course that was wrong. Dr. Edelhart was the one behind the desk, the one with the pencil. He was the doctor, for Christ's sake.

  Sheesh, no wonder you're on the teeter brink of bumblefuck crazy. Starting to shrink the SHRINK. And this guy’s the only thing standing between you and a rubber room. Good thing Edelhart doesn't believe in medication, or you'd be on a brain salad of Prozac, Thorazine, lithium, Xanax, Xanadu, whatever.

  No, the only drug that Edelhart believed in was plain and simple holism. Jackson's soul fragments were all over the place, in both space and time. Edelhart was the shaman, the quest leader, the spirit guide. His job was to take Jackson to those far corners of the universe where the fragments were buried or broken. Once the fragments were recovered, then all it took was a little psychic superglue and Jackson would Become Authentic.

  Jackson just wished Edelhart would hurry the hell up. Seven months of regression therapy, and they were just now getting to the good stuff. The tongue in the sore tooth. The fly in the ointment. The nail in the karmic wheel. The life that pain built.

  "I'm ready to go all the way," Jackson said, surer now. After all, what was a century-and-a-half of forgotten existence compared to thirty-plus years of real, remembered anxiety?

  "Okay, Jeffrey. Breathe, count down from ten, your eyes are closed and looking through the ceiling, past the sky, past the long night above..."

  Jackson could handle this. He fell into the meditation with practiced ease, and by the time the doctor reached "Seven, a gate awakens," Jackson was swaddled in the tender arms of a hypnotic trance. He scarcely heard Dr. Edelhart's feet approaching across the soft carpet. The doctor's breath was like a sea breeze on his cheek, the deep voice quieter now.

  "You're on the plantation, Jeffrey. The wheat is golden, the cotton fields rolling out like a blanket of snow. The oaks are in bloom, the air sweet with the ripeness of the earth. Somebody's frying chicken in the main house. The sun is Carolina hot but it will go down soon."

  Jackson smiled, distantly, drowsily. The Doc was good. It was almost like the man was there himself, simultaneously living Jackson's past life. But Jackson had described this scene so well, it was seared so deeply into his subconscious, that it was no wonder Dr. Edelhart could almost watch it like a movie.

  Part of Jackson knew that he was half-dreaming, that he was actually sitting in a chair in a Charlotte highrise. But the image was so vivid, the farm spread out around him, the boots heavy on his feet, the smell of horses drifting from the barn, a cool draft on his neck from the creek. This wasn't real, but it was. He was this farmer, edging along the fence line, poking along the rim of the cornfield.

  Sure, it was bumblefuck crazy, but he was Dell Bedford, Southern gentleman, landowner, a colonel in the Tryon militia. Because they all knew that Lincoln and them Federalist hogwashers were going to try to muscle the South back into the Union. But what Lincoln and his boot-licker McLellan didn't figure on was that the Confederate States of America might have other plans.

  The nerve of that Lincoln, telling them what to do with their niggers.

  Jackson swallowed hard, sweat ringing his scalpline. This part bothered him. He wasn't a racist, not anymore, not now. He'd voted against Jesse Helms. He even saw a black therapist. He was cool with it all, brotherhood of man, harmony of one people.

  But he had no proof t
hat he hadn't once been Dell Bedford, slavemaster and swine. How could he deny the word "nigger" that sat on his tongue, ready to be spat over and over again, a sick well of hate that never ran dry? He was Dell, or had been, or...

  "Are you there, Jeffrey?" came Dr. Edelhart's voice. Decades away, yet right on the plantation with him, like a bee hovering around his ear.

  "Yep," Jackson/Bedford said. "Corn's come in, gone to yeller on top. If I can round me up some niggers, might get me an ear or two in before first frost."

  "Those slaves. Always causing you problems, aren't they? Building up stress, making your chest burn with rage." Dr. Edelhart's voice was rich with sympathy.

  "Damned right." Jackson/Bedford felt the muscles in his neck go rigid. He thrashed at the corn, then hollered. "Claybo!"

  The shout scurried across the stalks of corn, rattled the corners of Dr. Edelhart's office. "Never can find that Claybo when you need him, can you?" said the doctor.

  Bedford left Jackson, had no use for him, just as well let him sit in a chair and talk to a dandified free boy. Bedford had chores to get done. And there was only one way to get them done. "Claybo," he shouted again.

  The sweat was running down the back of his neck, the brim of his hat serving hell for shade. Bedford hurried into the field, leather coiled in his taut right hand. His oldest son was on horseback in a far meadow, galloping toward the Johnson place to scramble hay with one of Johnson's bucolic daughters. Bedford gritted his teeth and waded into the corn.

  "Claybo, if I ever get my hands on you..."

  "Then what, Dell?" It was the dandy nigger. Dell shook his head. A damned voice from nowhere. The nerve of an invisible nigger to mess in a white man's business.

  "Then I'll kick his uppity ass. What else can you do with a sorry nigger?"

  "He's not in the cornfield, Dell. You know that, don't you? We've already been through this."

  "Bumblefuck crazy, I am." Bedford tore through the corn, knocking over stalks, heading toward the thin stand of pines where the slaves were quartered. "Bet that damned good-for-nothing Claybo is taking himself a little snooze. And the sun ain't even barely touched the trees yet."

  "That Claybo. He's nothing but trouble. Probably even learning to read. Bet he's got a spelling book under his strawtick."

  "Niggers. The first word they teach each other is 'no.' Well, I know how to drive the book-learning out of them." Bedford let the whip play out as he ran, jerked his wrist so that the length of leather undulated like a snake.

  "That's it, Bedford. Feel the anger. Embrace it. Breathe it."

  Bedford scratched at his ear and ran on. He burst from the cornrows and crossed the bare patch of dirt that served as nigger town square. Six cabins of rough logs and mud squatted under the spindly pines. A little pickaninnie sat in front of one of them, playing with a rag doll. She'd be able to walk soon, and finally be able to work for her keep.

  Bedford went to the last cabin and kicked at the door. It fell open, and Bedford shouted into the dark. Then he saw them, three pairs of white eyes. There was nothing quite like a nigger in the dark. Hell, he didn't even mind when his neighbors had runaways, because they were so much fun to hunt.

  "Tell me what you see," came the distant voice. Smooth-talking nigger, like one of them Yankee preachers that come down once in a while to rub in their faces that, up North, niggers were free. How Northern niggers owned all kinds of land, while Bedford had only thirty hardscrabble acres.

  "What the hell you think I see? You were here with me last time I done this." Bedford was nearly as mad at the invisible nigger as he was at Claybo. He strode into the cramped dark.

  "Don't hurt me, Mar's Bedford," Claybo pleaded. Like a little sissy girl who was going to get a hickory switch across the bloomers. "My baby's took sick. I swear, I was going to go back and work. I just had to come look in—"

  Bedford's eyes had adjusted now, and he could make their outlines. The woman on the bed, holding the infant, both of them slick with sweat. Claybo kneeling beside the bed, hands lifted up like Bedford was Jesus Christ the Holy Savior, but Claybo should know that Jesus never came for niggers, only for whites.

  The woman wailed, then the baby started crying. Bedford's blood coursed hot through his veins, his pulse was a hammer against the anvil of his temples, his head was a powder keg with a beeswax fuse.

  "You're right to feel anger," whispered the educated nigger, the one that was so far away. "You've been wounded. This is where your soul bleeds, Jeffrey."

  Bedford wondered briefly who the hell Jeffrey was, then grabbed Claybo by the shirt and tugged him toward the door. As much as he would have loved to stripe the nigger in front of his woman, the cabin didn't allow for good elbow room. Claybo only half-resisted, dead weight. He didn't dare struggle too much, though. Because the nigger knew if he did, his woman would be next.

  Bedford's anger settled lower, took a turn, became something warm and light in his stomach.

  Joy.

  He loved beating a nigger.

  He pushed Claybo to the ground, tore at the big man's shirt. He gave the nigger a kick in the ribs to get the juices flowing. The whip handle almost throbbed in his hand, as if it had a turgid life of its own.

  "Seize the fragment," came that confounded invisible nigger. "Look at yourself, Jeffrey. You're splintered, apart from the world. Outside the circle of your own soul."

  "Bumblefuck," Bedford grunted through clenched teeth.

  "These are the traumatic emotions and body sensations that have tracked you through the years. This is where your pain comes from. This is your unfinished business. This is your wound."

  Bedford tried to ignore the nigger-talk. He stepped back, hefted the whip, felt the grace of the leather unfurling, rolled his arm in an easy motion, sent the knotted tip into Claybo's broad back. The flesh split like a dropped melon. A sweet pleasure surged through Bedford, a fever that was better than what he found between his wife's legs, even between the nigger cook's, a honey hot heaven. He whisked the whip back to deliver another blow—

  "This is your discarnate self, Jeffrey. Doesn't it sicken you? Don't you see why your soul is so far from releasement?"

  Bedford paused, the leather dripping, hungry for a second taste of blood.

  "Restore balance, Jeffrey."

  Bedford/Jackson looked down at the huddled, quivering Claybo.

  Dr. Edelhart spoke again, gentle, encouraging. "Resolve the conflict and heal the emotional vulnerability. Seek your spiritual reattachment."

  Jackson felt dizzy. The whip wilted in his hand. He wanted to vomit. He couldn't believe he had ever been so brutal. Not in any of his lives. "I didn't..."

  "Denial is not the path to wholeness, Jeffrey. Empower yourself."

  Tears trickled down Jackson's face. He could feel the eyes watching from the cabin door. A witness to his spiritual fracture. How could he possibly make this right? How could he become a soul-mind healed?

  Sobbing, he turned to the only one he could trust. "What do I do now, Dr. Edelhart?"

  "You know the answer. I can only lead you here. The final steps are yours."

  Jackson bent to his victim. Claybo looked at him, wide-eyed, wary. Jackson placed the whip at Claybo's feet. Then he slowly unbuttoned his shirt, his skin pale in the sunset.

  Jackson knelt on the ground. He put his face against the dirt, pine needles scratching his cheek, dust clinging to his tears. "Free me," he said to the man he had whipped.

  "Mar's?" Claybo slowly lifted himself, his shirt hanging in rags from his dark muscles. Both men were on the knees, equal.

  "Whip me," Jackson commanded. Then, begging, "Please."

  Claybo stood, six-three, a man. He fumbled with the whip, making an awkward arc in the air. He snapped his wrist and the leather slapped against Jackson's bare back.

  Not a strong blow, yet the pain sluiced along Jackson's spinal cord. Though the agony was soul-searing, Jackson knew the blow wasn't nearly hard enough to drive the transpersonal residue from his
soiled psyche.

  Jackson swallowed a scream, his lungs feeling stuffed with embers. He gasped, then panted, "Harder."

  The whip descended again, more controlled this time, scattering sparks across Jackson's fragmented but hopeful spirit-flesh. Claybo was intelligent. He was a fast learner. The whip fell a third time, inflicting a deeper, more meaningful misery. Flogging Jackson closer to whole.

  "Your hour's up," Dr. Edelhart interrupted.

  Jackson came around, brought back by the words that he'd been trained to recognize as the trigger that would pull him from hypnosis. He blinked as he looked around the office. He was soaked with sweat, his muscles aching, his throat dry. Dr. Edelhart was standing over him.

  "How do you feel?" said the doctor, eyes half-closed as if studying a rare insect.

  Jackson tried the air, found that it came into his lungs, then out. He was alive, back in the reality he knew. Years away from the scarred night of his soul. He felt a strange peace, though he was tired, drained.

  "I...I feel..." He searched through Dr. Edelhart's catalog of catch-phrases, then found one that seemed to fit. "I feel a little more integrated."

  Dr. Edelhart smiled. "I feel that we've made true progress today, Jeffrey."

  Jackson sat up in the chair. "Wow. I haven't felt this good in years."

  "A hundred and forty, give or take a few."

  "How...how did you know?"

  Dr. Edelhart waved at the diplomas and framed certificates on the wall behind his desk. "I'm the doctor. I'm supposed to know."

  Jackson stood, walked the soreness from his legs. "I could walk right through a crowd right now, and not even notice all the eyes watching me. I don’t feel angry at all."

  "Progress through regression. But—"

  Dr. Edelhart's word hung suspended in the air, like a tiny sliver of discarnate spirit.